I deserve to be ugly because I am a fundamentally bad person. Everything bad that happens to me is my own fault because I deserve bad things. Most recently I have lost my glasses, right before a family trip, and I guess I deserve this because I was starting to have the audacity to start to believe that maybe I could not look and feel like a pile of garbage for this one, measly week. We get to travel so rarely, and I guess I shouldn’t have even considered that maybe if I dress nice and put on makeup and figure out some way to style the disastrous Nancy Reagan haircut I got a couple of months ago, maybe, just possibly, I could feel like a human being worthy of some small modicum of dignity on this trip. Sure, I know my kids are going to be pissy at me half the trip, and my husband will probably spend the whole vacation on his phone, and my mom will be needy and self absorbed, and my sister will talk to me like I am an especially stupid 12 year old, but maybe, just maybe, I could feel good about how I looked. Just a little tiny bit. I mean, I know I’ll still be fat and old but maybe I could have at least put together a fashionable outfit, and been well groomed, and been able to see. It was stupid to think I could have managed at least that small dignity. I feel like I shouldn’t even bother packing. Maybe I should just grab the biggest, baggiest tshirt i have and the dumpiest shorts and that can just be it for the whole trip. No one gives a #### how I look or feel anyhow. As long as I can carry their #### for them and don’t talk too much. And of course never say no. I’m just a ####### pack mule. Why did I think I would ever be worth anything nice for even a single ####### day?

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