I’m feeling deeply overwhelmed and i am spiraling hard.
I’ve been through a lot at the hands of others. Been taught my entire life to just bear with it. Suffered just about every form of abuse, because i’m taught to just let it happen. I’m not allowed to defend myself anyway, because it’d just get treated as another violence statistic to prove why men are evil. The moment you lay a hand on someone, regardless of context, regardless of whether it is in defense of yourself or others, you’re done.
Every time i reach out for support, or look for help or even just try to find some forum or places to read about similar experiences and connect with others, i’m just met with narratives about how men are evil and how this all is warranted and other flagrantly misandrist content. Or i’m told i should just put up with it or i’m part of the problem. Or i get told I’m pathetic and fragile. Or i’m accused of lying or making my experiences up. Or told to stop whining.
I’m sick of it. When men express suffering, we’re wrong and we should apologize. When we don’t we’re wrong and we should apologize. We have to put up with abuse, if we don’t we’re wrong and we should apologize. And even when we do? We’re still wrong and we should apologize. Why is this okay? Especially when i go out of my way to do the right thing. When i go out of my way to not hurt anyone and show empathy to others. When despite my personal experiences, i’ve fought tooth and nail not to perpetuate the abuse i’ve suffered.
None of that feels like it matters, cus i still get treated like a## regardless. It won’t stop. Nothing i could do will change it. I’ve tried. I’ve tried my entire life. But i’m exhausted and broken and these days i constantly feel like i should just end it because what is the point. The only reason i haven’t yet is because there’s a few people who i know would be hurt if i did, who need me. But i’m drowning and running out of air, with those who could help laughing and pushing me down instead giving me a chance to breathe.