(this is long af, a compile of my thoughts this past week.)
how do you even tell the people you love that you cut yourself? "oh yeah i cut myself multiple times a day i just want to point that out to everybody here in this room filled with the people i love" and why would i even think of telling them in the first place? do i expect them to throw a pity party for me? "gosh we didn't know you had to go through all that because your s##### to yourself and you think that your a good for nothing daughter, do you want a hug sweetie to make the monsters go away?" g## i hate myself so f###### much
its not that painful when i do it compared to how people post it on twitter with their pics saying like "oh i hit beans and styro!!" its crazy but i get jealous, making a mark on yourself like that is like a tattoo, a reminder that you have s##### decisions and this is one of them. you knew the consequences and the things you have to do not to die by it but you still did it.
for the people who have never cut themselves before and are curious about what it feels like, it feels like ur skin is ripping in a thin line or whatever you wanna cut it you can almost hear it
i didnt know that other or some people cut fast? like i always di it slowly so i can feel the skin slowly detach
and im a p####
if cutting is something I'll do until im an adult, what would my body even look like? i dont like my body and im sure i wont in the future too
i know that someone will never read this becuase of how absurdly long this is or how boring it really is reading this or comment "wow you have a lot of things to say, keep it to yourself" in truth its someone who hates themselves and wants to shoot themselves in the head with a gun
I cant complain about all of this because "oh we have done so much for you but you have to ruin it just because you can and your like this because you close the door on anybody that has a molecule of interest in being your friend and getting to know you as a person whos kind and thoughtful to the people they love" nobody actually said that to me i just made it up on the spot because i have a habit of making me feel like a piece of s###. G## i have big ego, thinking that im kind and thoughtful??? am i that one kid that moms always compare to their children?? "oh look at blank shes so thoughtful and kind" my f###### a##
i got it good, they always say that. try being in my place, im a train waiting for the future trainwreck to happen any time. All that nerve wracking thoughts of "what if something bad happens and i cant keep myself from tipping of the edge" "what if i crash out and i cant do it anymore" go away and you finally convince yourself that your fine and your ok and your safe. But Sometime always f###### happens its like a unfunny comedy show, your the director who messes up the whole thing. the s##### actors are the past version of yourself trying to be all out and about but deep inside your not that guy and will never be. s##### broken equipment barely operating the whole show. even. the crowd that laughs behind the cameras are leaving the studio one by one as the actors try improv.its a whole f###### mess, im a whole mess, my life becomes a mess, everything is a mess.
its not like i let myself be like that, i do try to do something better for myself but it always backfires and at the same i dont like it. theres so much changes in my life and i dont want to risk myself changing. Most of the time i just try and not relapse all fo the time or if i cant do that, I'll just call it a day and sleep
i know education is important and i want to learn, not with s##### other students who make you look stupid or students who make you feel like s###. how could people be that cruel and turn away when something doesn't go their way.