G##, I hate this. My whole life, I've never had a good connection with a bloke, not really. It just feels so... foreign to me. Like something everyone else gets, but I'm just watching from the outside. When they actually do take an interest, it just scares me. Seriously, it terrifies me.
I've never had a relationship.
Never even slept with anyone. The first man I was supposed to love, my dad, the first man I laid my eyes on when I was born... that whole deal turned out to be absolute c###. I wasn't taught, wasn't shown, what real love is, what it's even supposed to feel like. And it’s completely messed with who I've become. It just carried on, this pattern, through various situations I ended up in, and none of them ever had a good or happy ending. I have nothing good to compare it to.
I see people, normal people, out and about with their partners, holding hands, laughing, just being together, and I don't have that. But G##, I really do, secretly, want that. I don't know what it's like to actually be wanted as a person, you know? Not just, like, for getting into my knickers. That's not what I want. I want the things people just take for granted, or worse, ruin through cheating.
And don't get me started on cheaters and the people who just trash a relationship. Because when they're finally "sorry," it's too late. And then they whine and moan about it? Sorry, but you've never been in my shoes. You'd see it completely differently if you had. It's not boring to have a home and someone to come home to, is it?! No, it's not. It's everything.