I’m 40 years old and I’m drowning in debt and I don’t know what the f### to do anymore. Like genuinely. I’ve tried. I’ve cut every corner, canceled everything, stopped doing anything remotely “extra.” I don’t go out. I don’t order food. I buy off-brand everything. And I’m STILL behind. Always behind. It’s like I’m running in sand and the tide just keeps rising.
I have bills I haven’t opened in weeks because I already know what they say. FINAL NOTICE. PAST DUE. PAY NOW OR ELSE. Or else what?? You gonna come take my sadness?? You want the air mattress I sleep on?? Be my guest. I’m so tired of living like this. Of waking up in fight or flight mode before I’ve even had coffee.
And the worst part is, I’m not even irresponsible. I didn’t do anything outrageous. I didn’t rack up debt from vacations or designer s###. It’s just life. Groceries. Gas. Rent. A couple emergencies. One missed paycheck turns into months of trying to catch up. I’ve been trying to catch up for YEARS.
And I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I’m 40 and I still feel like a scared-a## 22-year-old who doesn’t know how anything works. I used to have dreams. Now I just wanna survive the week without crying in the parking lot. I don’t even tell anyone how bad it is anymore because they either don’t get it, or they just tell me to “budget better.” As if Excel is gonna magically save my drowning a##.
I don’t want sympathy. I want a f###### break. I want to breathe without the weight of every overdue dollar crushing my chest. I want to not feel like a failure every time I swipe my card and pray it goes through.
I’m just... tired. That’s it. I’m so g###### tired.